Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Unkindest Cut of All

April 22nd: Brought to You By the Letter "V'

"Do what? To my what?"

    Having children is a wonderful thing, especially if you’re a man. 
  All we have to do is get the ball rolling, so to speak (a euphemism if there ever was one), sometimes more than once if we’re lucky (or she's asleep).  Then, following a few weeks of pensive waiting (during which we get to keep the ball rolling-if you know what I mean), our wife/girlfriend/woman we met in a bar looks lovingly into our eyes (hopefully, not during the ballgame). 
  In a soft, trembling voice suffused with tender devotion, she whispers, “We’re going to have a baby.”

  Then, she throws up in the toilet.

Uh, seriously...no.
I don't mean like this.
  The next nine months then become a non-stop hormonal rollercoaster ride.  Mixed with equal parts emotion and curiosity over whether she’ll eventually explode like one of those critters on Alien, we arrive at the magic time for our baby’s entry into the world of songbirds, sunshine, and Charlie Sheen.

  Hopefully, in preparation for induced labor (so a perfectly good weekend isn’t messed up), the woman settles in for the blessed event.  Followed by several hours of screaming bloody murder at the evildoer who did this to her.
  Just so you don’t think we men have it easy, don’t forget:  while you’re trying to force a bowling ball through a garden hose (I know that’s not original!), we’re struggling just as strenuously.  You think it’s easy to watch television with all that racket going on?
A Gift from God. 
Damn well better not be from God. 
  Soon enough, we’re given a gift from God (although the deity wasn’t in the room).  Mother and father tenderly hold their precious bundle, bathed in the warmth which comes from the knowledge that they are a solid family unit (hee...hee...hee. I said 'unit').
"Whatever you do, don't hook me up with
70s porn star mustache guy.
He totally skeeves me out.
And I have low standards."
  Only later that night does Dad mark on the calendar when he can start the ball rolling again.
  Luckily for me, Mrs. Penwasser presented me with two beautiful children (beautiful because they don’t look like me).  I have a son who is the model of the man I wish I was and a daughter who is everything I wasn’t in high school: popular.

    With that in mind, we both decided not to press our luck.  Odds were that a third child would look like me, act like me, and use my jokes.

    That, along with a state law that forbade me from further reproduction, compelled us to seek methods of permanent sterilization.

"Lemme take care of this first.
Then I'll get right on those fallopian tubes."
    We considered having my wife’s tubes tied.  But, since that conjured up a vision of a rodeo where a chaps-wearing doctor would wrassle my wife to the operating table, we didn’t want to try that.

    I also considered radiation to fry my “boys.”  But, since taping a cell phone to my crotch was impractical and sticking my junk in front of the microwave delayed dinner, we decided on a vasectomy.

    Since this decision was made while I was still in the Navy, there was no worry about how we were going to be able to pull this off (an unfortunate phrase, that).  The local Navy hospital was more than capable of performing the procedure (NOTE: No way was I going to have this done on a ship.  A MOVING ship.).
  So, after talking a couple of the guys into joining me (the hospital was having a special.  Bring a friend and get 10% off a car wash), I decided to close the “Be Fruitful and Multiply” store.
  The three of us were ushered into what looked like a MASH operating room.  After a couple of questions, like “Have you eaten in the past 12 hours?”, “Are you sure you want to do this?”, “Have you shaved this morning?” (I stuck out my chin and asked, “Sure, but what does that have to do with it?”), we were instructed to disrobe from the waist down and cover ourselves with a white sheet.
  Frankly, I wanted to go all nude, but my friends chickened out.  I think they were jealous.

Know what they say 
about big noses?

  Anyway, the three of us laid (or is that ‘lied’) down on the table, sheets draped across our laps, our “privates” (wait a minute, we were in the Navy-we didn’t have “privates.”  Okay, “seamen.”  There, that’s better.”) poking through holes.  I swear, we looked like a row of ghosts wearing Jimmy Durante masks.
Cher. Yeah. I tapped that.
Now I'm dead. 

That kinda sucks.
But, have you seen Chastity lately?
  Assisted by a dour-looking corpsman, the doctor (whose Sonny Bono mustache drooped so low he was able to suck on it.  Ewwww.) stood in front of us.  He reassured us that the procedure would be painless.  Especially, he laughed, for him.
    Yeah, I know.  Laugh clown, laugh.

    There would be, he cautioned, a small “stick and a kick.”

  Starting with me, he injected my laddies (the “stick”) to numb them.  This was immediately followed by a substantial “kick.”  Visions of playground bullies at Saint Stanislaus immediately swam into focus as I struggled to breathe.  Before I had the chance to lie that I was okay, though, the parts surrounding my fun factory lost all feeling.  I gave the mustache-sucker a thumbs up. 

  So, it went with the rest of us.  In no time, the genital assembly line (thanks, Henry Ford!) was closing up shop.  Gingerly putting our trousers back on, we cracked jokes about unloaded guns and laughed about whether we should show our scars at the next family reunion.

    Still, we were happy that we were finally taken off the playing field, in a matter of speaking.  Instead of being put out to stud, we knew that the limited editions of “us” was finally at an end. 

    As we got our parking validated and received our car wash vouchers, we took comfort that our lives would be spared from future unplanned, unforeseen “Uh-ohs.”

    Even more, we were thrilled that we would be able to “get the ball rolling” in only a couple weeks.

    Unless SportsCenter was on.


  1. Ouch, vasectomies don't sound as painful as I thought they might but still ouch, the thought of getting one is creeping me out so much right now. Glad to hear your two children are successes too buddy, here's hoping my kids will be popular too haha!

  2. Hahahha a great story about vascetomies. I see why you didn't want to do it on a ship...

  3. hahaha good to know it doesn't hurt other then a stick and kick, a rhyme, the cat likes that. An assembly line for the snip snip hahaha can see why you didn't want it done one a moving ship.

  4. There's a less invasive method that involves tying a knot in your dick, but you were right to suffer for your sterility. It was the manly thing to do.

  5. Your posts are always great! Thanks for this

  6. Only you would be brave enough to blog about this topic, Al! Still, I totally get this. I tried to get my guy to drive this route, but he would have nothing to do with it. So, after 25 years on, then quitting the Pill, we've just been really careful (kinda nerve-wracking when you're as fertile as we are. Or were anyway.) But we have too many friends who actually told us they regretted having their second and third child, which scared the crap out of us. When you have the perfect kid, last thing you wanna do is mess that record up. And now that I have to put that kid through college, I am so glad we stuck to our Chinese game plan.

  7. Sounds like a harsh thing! and then I relized you live in Amercia and had to pay for the opperation too! Owch thats a double kick to the balls!

  8. This was painful to read, Al. I'm kinda wishing -for your sake- you'd stuck your junk in front of the microwave, but you must've been too hungry. I'm glad you didn't tape a cell-phone to your manhood area, though. I can't imagine the response if someone had called you.


  9. @Bersercules: I got it when I was in the Navy, so I didn't have to pay a cent. My colonoscopy on the other hand was a horse of a different color (especially since a horse was involved).
    @Robyn: Hmm, taping a cell phone (set to "vibrate") to Little Al wouldn't be a bad idea....
    @Nancy: It really was funny. All the guys in my office wanted to get one. I think it was because we got the day off. And shaving our junk was kinda kinky.
    @Cranky: Even though it was a little uncomfortable, I saw the humor potential in it. Coming soon: a tale of my hemorrhoid surgery.
    @Gorilla: But, then I'd get a boner and my head would explode. Unless I used a slipknot.
    @Pat: A kick and a stick made me sick because it was close to my dick. But, thank goodness it was quick.
    @Gia: The last thing I'd want to hear is "Oops." By the way, some people DID get these things done on a ship at sea. We called these gentlemen, "eunuchs."
    @Matthew: They're really NOT that painful. I look at my kids and wonder how I managed to get it right.

  10. Ouch, what a prick, er kick to have to suffer through. :)

  11. And, for some strange reason, no one ever wanted to see my scar.

  12. I was surprised how quickly we recovered. No jumping jacks, mind you, and we learned the value of a strategically placed bag of ice. But, one of us tried to take advantage of it. Three days after the fact, Mrs. Penwasser talked me into accompanying her to Discovery Zone. If you don't remember (or don't know) DZ was one of those manic kiddie hamster enclosures where toddlers ran wild. The place reeked of kiddie sweat, urine, and vomit and was so enough that Helen Keller would pull a gun and start whacking people. Anyway, I saw the wife of one of my fellow "cuttees." When I asked her where "S" was, she told me he was still recovering. I scoffed and told her he was just dodging Discovery Zone. Boy, was he mad at me for breaking the "Guy Code." But, screw 'im. I had to be there. :-D

  13. We talked about Honeyman getting one. I ended up getting spayed. But, he got that numbing shot last year when he scoped at the urologist.

  14. I always tell a man I am dating that if he wants to propose, instead of a ring, he should get a vasectomy.

  15. Great story. So funny. I'm still trying to talk Hubs into being brave. No luck so far...

  16. @Ruth: He got the numbing shot, but hopefully he didn't lose that loving feeling.
    @Nellie: The upside: it's cheaper (the vasectomy, not the ring. Unless, it's a CHEAP ring).
    @Bea: Tell him the doctor will be naked. And that he's not a dude (the doctor, not him. Golly, I'm having trouble being clear today).

  17. Vasectomy was the greatest invention of all time.

  18. Shame that Hitler's father didn't think so.

  19. And I thought girls always had to go to the bathroom in groups. Wow.

    We're too Catholic to get the big V. We use condoms and then intend to get to confession. Plus, my husband is a big pussy. I mean -- he's a scaredycat.

  20. Thankfully, a vasectomy is reversible these days in the event you change your mind and wish to collaborate with God and continue on with His be fruitful and multiply wish. I can't do it, dude. Why am I all of a sudden thinking of that song, 'In the Navy?'

  21. This has to be one of your best posts ever! I can't believe you were able to get a group of guys together like you were going to a tattoo parlor! So glad that you didn't have to delay dinner! Julie

  22. @Mary: Oh, that's okay, I'm a doomed Catholic, anyway. Mrs. Penwasser #1 was Jewish (presumably, still is) and Mrs. Penwasser #2 is Presbyterian. So, they got my picture all set at the pearly gates. Funny story: when my family and I went to Vatican City, my son and daughter asked me what the metal detectors were. I told them that they were "Protestant Detectors." Also, I told them that, if they felt like they were "starting to die" they should get next to me, because I was "in the club", unlike their mother. I assured them I could probably put a good word in for them since they were only "half" heathen. Mrs. Penwasser #2 was not amused.
    @Jeremy: Reversible? Like overcoats? Another funny: as we were getting "snipped", one of the wags in our group started whistling "In the Navy." It wasn't me because, frankly, I didn't think it was a good idea to make the doctor giggle.
    @EmptyNest: It got us a couple days off from work. Last funny (I promise): I still remember the sight of my two year old daughter climbing into bed with us as I tried to hold that bag of ice against the "boys." I screamed. Then, she screamed.

  23. I am far too busy laughing to leave a proper comment, but that was truly hilarious.

    Although not so at the time I'm guessing....

  24. Hilarious post, and I really imagined vasectomies to be much more painful than that. Unless you're some kind of macho navy man who doesn't feel pain. Vasectomies are full reversible aren't they? I hope so. I've never made a decision and stuck to it, and this seems kinda important.

  25. @DC; The best thing about the operation is that I thought it would make a funny story someday.
    @icyhighs: It wasn't nearly as painful as I thought. The worst part was waiting for it to hurt (because I thought, given where they cut me, it had to have hurt). But...it didn't. From what I understand, they are fully reversible. Like an overcoat. That doesn't have to match your shoes. Unless that kind of stuff is important to you.